When Life Gets Tough...
It's time to share what goes on beyond the smile, I'm not going to hide it anymore.
I'm going to share with "the world" what has been bugging me, killing me, for the past few months.
I don't care if you look at me funny anymore, and I don't care if you don't believe me.
I really just need to vent, to express myself.
I don't expect you to understand how I feel.
And I'll be upset if you think I'm just exaggerating - cause trust me, I've been depressed over this, there have been many tears shed because of this.
For the past few months I've been plagued with really bad eczema - a skin disease that is caused by the blood? Honestly, I myself am not too sure.
Living with eczema is like hell on earth.
Wait, let me rephrase, living with severe eczema is like hell on earth.
There are different causes for why people experience eczema outbreaks. For me, the cause is the environment I'm in - the weather is too humid and the environment is kinda dusty (lots of construction and a little pollution and it's all compact within this small city). Still, thank God, it's not like I'm living in a filthy country.
People wonder why I don't exercise? Well, I can't. Simple as that.
So, I've been having itchy spots all over my body recently. And I've been scratching really badly. Which just makes everything bloody and scabby. Not to mention ugly and unsightly.
I haven't been able to wear shorts/skirts/knee-length dresses in the past month. It is really sad...
I've had to buy loose pants just to make sure my scratch marks, scabs, scars and scaly skin are covered. (Wow, all the S words. Associated with satan. HAHA.)
I've had people stare at my legs because they were so unsightly. I mean, wearing pants all the time can be really tiring and inconvenient, not to mention uncomfortable! (Think of the weather recently - it's been SO HOT.) So yeah, I wore shorts one day and caught a woman staring at my legs. It got me pretty self-conscious. I felt horrible.
I've had to wake up just to scratch myself in the middle of the night. I try to control it but it keeps me awake. Sometimes I end up scratching, sometimes I do well and control it.
I see blood stains on my clothes all the time. I see blood stains on my bedsheets and comforter all the time.
I've scratched my scalp with so much force, I've left numerous wounds on my scalp and much blood on my fingers. I've had to wash my scalp clean after the scratching, which caused me much pain and screaming in anguish.
I lose lots of hair. I may end up looking like a cancer patient before I hit 30.
I shed tons of dead skin. I make everywhere I go, "snow".
Sometimes I feel like my whole body is deteriorating, as though I'm not well, I've got a sickness, I'm going to die soon.
You may think I'm kidding/lying/exaggerating. I honestly, wish I were...
But I'm not.
I've been depressed, extremely discouraged, I've cried and cried, and prayed and prayed.
I've given my family and Alvin emotional baggage because of my hurt and my pain.
I constantly ask God why He created me like this - with eczema.
Surely, if He loves me He'd take it all away?
He would have created me differently?
Why me?
Why not other people?
Am I a terrible sinner?
But surely we are all sinners, a sin is a sin, yet other people aren't getting eczema are they?
What is this going to teach me?
What is the purpose of the eczema?
You know, even now, I don't have the answers to these questions.
I still am sad, upset, hurt, in pain, questioning why.
I feel horrible that I'm causing the people around me to be heartbroken when they see my pain, when they see me cry.
I wish I didn't have to make them go through this with me.
But there are a few things that I do know for sure.
God loves me, even if He never heals me, I know He loves me.
God is sovereign. Truly, He knows what He's doing and I have no right to question that. He is God.
God allowed me to have eczema for a purpose.
He knows how much I can bear, and He will never give me too much that I can't handle. I always remember how Alvin tells me I'm real strong and tough to be able to go through this; and that if it were other girls, they'd probably wouldn't be able to take it. I always remember how he tells me he's proud of me and that one day I'll look back on this trial and realise that I've become a greater person.
Also, I believe that if God allowed for all this to happen, it will end up for His glory - that His name be glorified.
God has blessed me.
For one, God has blessed me with a beautiful family.
I have a father who loves me enough to pray with me and pray for me despite his hectic schedule.
I have a mother who cries with me in my pain and does all she can to help my condition.
I have a sister who's always cheering me up in my time of need.
God has also blessed me with a supportive boyfriend.
I have an Alvin who's always here to encourage me in times of hurt. He's always making me laugh and taking my mind off the situation. He loves me enough to stick it out with me despite all the difficulties.
I am thankful that it is merely eczema. Sure, it hurts, it's hideous, it's itchy, it's incurable, it makes life unbearable.
But hey, at least I can see, hear, taste, touch and smell.
I can walk, I can talk, I can sing.
My body can still function properly. (I believe.)
I believe I'm building my faith. I believe I'm building the faiths of those who are praying and going through this with me.
I believe one day I'll be healed. Even if it's not on earth, I know one day in heaven, every scar will be gone and I'll be given a new body.
Most importantly, I'm thankful I didn't/haven't/won't give up on God.
I always tell Alvin, no matter what happens, I will never lose faith in God. :)
So, I don't know, maybe like me, you're going through some really tough time now.
Maybe you're going though worse than I am.
Always remember God's got you.
God loves you.
God has a plan for you.
God's got a purpose for whatever you're going through.
God will never give up on you, so please don't give up on Him. :)
Also, here are some songs that may encourage you! <3
God Bless! :)
I'm going to share with "the world" what has been bugging me, killing me, for the past few months.
I don't care if you look at me funny anymore, and I don't care if you don't believe me.
I really just need to vent, to express myself.
I don't expect you to understand how I feel.
And I'll be upset if you think I'm just exaggerating - cause trust me, I've been depressed over this, there have been many tears shed because of this.
For the past few months I've been plagued with really bad eczema - a skin disease that is caused by the blood? Honestly, I myself am not too sure.
Living with eczema is like hell on earth.
Wait, let me rephrase, living with severe eczema is like hell on earth.
There are different causes for why people experience eczema outbreaks. For me, the cause is the environment I'm in - the weather is too humid and the environment is kinda dusty (lots of construction and a little pollution and it's all compact within this small city). Still, thank God, it's not like I'm living in a filthy country.
People wonder why I don't exercise? Well, I can't. Simple as that.
So, I've been having itchy spots all over my body recently. And I've been scratching really badly. Which just makes everything bloody and scabby. Not to mention ugly and unsightly.
I haven't been able to wear shorts/skirts/knee-length dresses in the past month. It is really sad...
I've had to buy loose pants just to make sure my scratch marks, scabs, scars and scaly skin are covered. (Wow, all the S words. Associated with satan. HAHA.)
I've had people stare at my legs because they were so unsightly. I mean, wearing pants all the time can be really tiring and inconvenient, not to mention uncomfortable! (Think of the weather recently - it's been SO HOT.) So yeah, I wore shorts one day and caught a woman staring at my legs. It got me pretty self-conscious. I felt horrible.
I've had to wake up just to scratch myself in the middle of the night. I try to control it but it keeps me awake. Sometimes I end up scratching, sometimes I do well and control it.
I see blood stains on my clothes all the time. I see blood stains on my bedsheets and comforter all the time.
I've scratched my scalp with so much force, I've left numerous wounds on my scalp and much blood on my fingers. I've had to wash my scalp clean after the scratching, which caused me much pain and screaming in anguish.
I lose lots of hair. I may end up looking like a cancer patient before I hit 30.
I shed tons of dead skin. I make everywhere I go, "snow".
Sometimes I feel like my whole body is deteriorating, as though I'm not well, I've got a sickness, I'm going to die soon.
You may think I'm kidding/lying/exaggerating. I honestly, wish I were...
But I'm not.
I've been depressed, extremely discouraged, I've cried and cried, and prayed and prayed.
I've given my family and Alvin emotional baggage because of my hurt and my pain.
I constantly ask God why He created me like this - with eczema.
Surely, if He loves me He'd take it all away?
He would have created me differently?
Why me?
Why not other people?
Am I a terrible sinner?
But surely we are all sinners, a sin is a sin, yet other people aren't getting eczema are they?
What is this going to teach me?
What is the purpose of the eczema?
You know, even now, I don't have the answers to these questions.
I still am sad, upset, hurt, in pain, questioning why.
I feel horrible that I'm causing the people around me to be heartbroken when they see my pain, when they see me cry.
I wish I didn't have to make them go through this with me.
But there are a few things that I do know for sure.
God loves me, even if He never heals me, I know He loves me.
God is sovereign. Truly, He knows what He's doing and I have no right to question that. He is God.
God allowed me to have eczema for a purpose.
He knows how much I can bear, and He will never give me too much that I can't handle. I always remember how Alvin tells me I'm real strong and tough to be able to go through this; and that if it were other girls, they'd probably wouldn't be able to take it. I always remember how he tells me he's proud of me and that one day I'll look back on this trial and realise that I've become a greater person.
Also, I believe that if God allowed for all this to happen, it will end up for His glory - that His name be glorified.
God has blessed me.
For one, God has blessed me with a beautiful family.
I have a father who loves me enough to pray with me and pray for me despite his hectic schedule.
I have a mother who cries with me in my pain and does all she can to help my condition.
I have a sister who's always cheering me up in my time of need.
God has also blessed me with a supportive boyfriend.
I have an Alvin who's always here to encourage me in times of hurt. He's always making me laugh and taking my mind off the situation. He loves me enough to stick it out with me despite all the difficulties.
I am thankful that it is merely eczema. Sure, it hurts, it's hideous, it's itchy, it's incurable, it makes life unbearable.
But hey, at least I can see, hear, taste, touch and smell.
I can walk, I can talk, I can sing.
My body can still function properly. (I believe.)
I believe I'm building my faith. I believe I'm building the faiths of those who are praying and going through this with me.
I believe one day I'll be healed. Even if it's not on earth, I know one day in heaven, every scar will be gone and I'll be given a new body.
Most importantly, I'm thankful I didn't/haven't/won't give up on God.
I always tell Alvin, no matter what happens, I will never lose faith in God. :)
So, I don't know, maybe like me, you're going through some really tough time now.
Maybe you're going though worse than I am.
Always remember God's got you.
God loves you.
God has a plan for you.
God's got a purpose for whatever you're going through.
God will never give up on you, so please don't give up on Him. :)
Also, here are some songs that may encourage you! <3
He is With Us - Love and the Outcome
Steady My Heart - Kari Jobe
All This Time - Britt Nicole
God Bless! :)
things will get better, they always do.
ReplyDeletethink of all the positive things that having such an ailment has thought you.
you can't change your circumstances, but you can always put a positive spin to it
:)
Thank you very much! I believe they will get better soon too!
DeleteAnd yes, I shall face such circumstances with positivity! :)
Qingjing here we go! Cold fresh air up up up the mountain!! :) 笑一个吧!! <<< Someone told me this few months ago. Well, you have a pretty darn good heart and that's all that matters!! ^^
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA. I laughed at the xiao yi ge ba part!
DeleteCan't wait to go to Taiwan with you man!
And thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. :)
Dont eat seafood. And moisturize.. Try using tea tree oil. :) and don't scratch it. Smack it if it gets itchy.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Thank God I don't like seafood, so I naturally stay away from it. :)
DeleteAnd yes, I use TONS of cream! :)
I totally tried the smacking thing too. It really made me laugh. HAHA.
Anyways, thanks so much for your advice! Really appreciate it. :)
Use warm water to dap the area that is itchy? Try if it works!! Stay strong :-)
ReplyDeleteThat actually sounds pretty interesting.. Hahaha!
DeleteThank you very much! :)
Try and maintain a good skincare regimen. You can also try using tea tree oil or rose hip oil. :)
ReplyDeleteSince you're the 2nd person to tell me to use tea tree oil, I shall do some research on it! Hahaha!
DeleteThank you very much for your advice. :D
As someone who has suffered severe acne for years, I completely understand. It's something that I can't cover up with clothes and has been recurring, sometimes clearing up and coming back twice as bad as before [stress --> acne --> stress about acne --> even more acne]. I've spent heaps of money over the years, seen two dermatologists, and still have had bad skin. I've been afraid to talk to people and make new friends because I'm afraid all they'll see is my horrible face and not want to talk to me. I've even had a complete stranger tell me "Fix your face. Women shouldn't have bad skin" even before this person even said hi to me. It's not like I chose to have this skin?? I was incredibly insecure and I didn't have any confidence at all, so I truly understand how you feel, though it does sound like eczema is much more frustrating to live with given all the itching.
ReplyDeleteBut you must must must keep this in mind: things will get better.
Don't worry about strangers and don't be too demoralised, because you've still got your friends, boyfriend and your family who see you for who you are. If anything, it shows you who the superficial people are. It doesn't make you any less 'you', and it certainly shouldn't be something that takes over your life. I've accepted this and instead of being that insecure girl with severe acne, I can be that confident girl DESPITE the acne.
Chin up! Hope the weather changes and it gets better soon! Try getting some advice from a dermatologist (get two opinions if you can) if its necessary, I found their suggestions much more helpful than getting advice from friends. :)
Whoever you are, (you should tell me who you are :D), thank you so so much for your story. It's really nice to know that there are people there who know what it's like to go through such situations.
DeleteAnd thank you so very much for your encouragement! I do believe that things will get better, with faith and positivity! :D
I will definitely not let eczema take over my life! I am more than that. :)
Once again, thank you so so much! I truly appreciate it. :)
Hey Charis, I can totally understand what you are going through and I salute you for writing this out. I myself have been suffering from eczema since primary school and it was really severe when i was young. I had eczema on my hands, the joints of my arm and the back of my legs. I have had people staring at me weirdly, commenting bluntly on my skin condition and I know it does not feel good. The questions that you have asked yourself were the question I asked myself time and again for many years on why was I the chosen one to suffer from this skin condition etc. But well, I came to a conclusion that we were the people who were tough enough that was why :)
ReplyDeleteAnw what I've learnt was that people who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter because even well known peeps such as Kate middleton and Adele have it. So we are definitely not alone. ^^
Also, I don't know if it is going to help you but I've learnt several ways to try to keep it under control as I grew older. Right now, my skin condition is a lot better than it was in the past. You can try it out and see if it helps you. (:
I try to refrain from buying commercialized body soap and shampoo because i realised that it really dries out the skin. I've tried sukin organic soap that can be brought from Watsons and I find it really good but it's a tad more expensive. If you have eczema on your head, you can try the shampoo as well. It is really milder than the ones sold in supermarkets.
For body lotions, I don't purchase those scented lotions because they tend to irritate my skin even more. I'm currently using physiogel lotion which forms a barrier between your skin and the environment. This lotion works for me because the other brands of lotion cause me to scratch even more.But the trick to this is that a little goes a long way! Applying too much of it will cause you to start scratching again because of the leftover that isn't absorbed into the skin.
You can try Avene's misting spray whenever you feel itchy. Just spray on to your legs and tap it or smack it whichever way that helps haha. I did that and it really does calms my skin. :D
If you are really itchy and realised it doesn't really help. You can get those yellow steroid tablets that controls the itchiness from polyclinics. I used to take them when I was younger to help control it but my advice would be once your skin condition gets better meaning its just dry and have stopped bleeding. Stop using it and try to control it using other methods because too much steroids aren't good for your body :))
I don't know if this will work for you because everyone is quite different. But i hope it helps. ^^
Lastly, thanks for writing this post out! I think it really motivates the other girls out there who are silently suffering from eczema alone :D
So sorry for the late reply, but I just really want to thank you for your advice - especially the ones about the hair shampoo and the spray. I've really never heard of such a thing and I'm definitely going to find out more about it. Because you're absolutely right, the excess makes it even itchier which can be extremely troublesome. :/
DeleteBut truly, thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words! It means so much to me that you would bother to type all that out. :) I really appreciate it, you have definitely put a smile on my face! :)
Once again, thank you! :)